Thank You

Dear Laila Rae,

This year I had some trouble writing your letter. I have not felt clear in what I want to tell you. I am still unclear on what I want to tell you. So often my thoughts are full of ideas and concepts and tactics and action items that are both complex and ambiguous.

I feel stuck in a tension between hope and sorrow.

I feel hope everyday in the ways I see people working working to create a better world. I am humbled and awed by so many people and feel gratitude for their work and what they teach me. But in the same moments I feel immense sorrow at the state of our world, a world that was not made for you. Lately my heart has felt so heavy. But there is one thing in my life that is never complex or ambiguous.

You. 

You bring so much joy and love into my life. You have taught me to love fully and unconditionally with my whole heart.

When I was in high school, maybe 14 or 15 years old, I went on a service trip. The first thing we were told was to accept the people we were serving exactly where they were. My service group failed spectacularly at this, but the idea has pretty much consumed me over the last 15+ years. The question evolved some into how do I fully accept, and unconditionally love, people right where they are? I went to college and spent four years studying philosophy/religion in some attempt to answer the question (among many others). I have traveled around the world trying to live in spaces of love and acceptance. I have been to trainings and meetings, and centered a lot of my work around trying to live out this ideal. An ideal I consistently failed to achieve. While I could love deeply and fiercely, it was never unconditional and it was never whole.

Then you arrived in this world, and you completely filled my heart.  I knew, without any doubt, I loved you more than myself. And you grew, and with that growth our family experienced so many joys, but were faced with challenges. Because, according to tests and procedures and a bunch of other words and concepts I don’t understand, you were not meeting certain standards created by strangers.

I don’t quite have the words to explain the next part of what I want to say to you. It will be an inadequate expression of what is in my heart. Now Laila, whenever anyone asks me about you, really regardless of the question, my answer is always the same. My answer is always, “Laila is absolutely perfect.” And I will never have a more honest answer to that question. And that is why I know I now understand what it means to love a person right where they are.

So often when I have worked with people and communities, I have loved them, and I have loved them unconditionally. There are many instances where I have accepted people right where they were, but I am not sure I always loved them right where they were. I could point out the flaws, and while I might accept the flaw, I wanted them to change, and within that want, if I am being honest with myself, I also knew that I would love them more if they could make that change.

But there is nothing you could do that could make me love you more. I can have dreams and desires for you, but those are mine to hold and carry, not to push on to you. Which I have been guilty of in the past, and will likely be guilty of many more times in the future. While I can be hopeful you will meet certain standards set by strangers, that hope is merely because it will make your life easier in our terrible society. But I do not care if you never meet those “standards.” If you do, great! I will love you exactly the same as I do today. If you never meet any of them, I will love you exactly the same as I do today.

As I have grown with you, I have realized that you, and loving you, has taught me how to love others better. I have learned to love with my entire heart. I have begun to love others more than myself. I have begun to love others as much as I love you. I have begun to love others unconditionally. I am not going to lie to you and say I now fully accept, and unconditionally love, everyone right where they are. But I am so much better at it. And I have a better understanding of what I need to do to get to where I want to be. So this year my letter to you is a thank you. You are the best teacher and mentor I could ever have.

Thank you, Laila, for teaching me the depths of the love I can hold, and how I can

transform that into loving other people better. 

Love,

Aunt Whitney Rae