I live in a small town where the pace of life is slow. Growing up I was caught between loving and resenting it at the same time. I would complain that there was never anything to do; there was no "culture." I live on the lower eastern shore of Maryland, about 2 to 3 hours from D.C., Baltimore and Philadelphia. In high school my friends and I would road trip it to the cities for concerts and shopping. I loved those excursions but always complained about the drives. What I failed to realize was that the drives are what I now cherish most. It was during the drives that my friends and I shared and connected.
I went away to a small university in Charlotte, N.C. I wanted to escape from the "bubble" of the Eastern Shore and would never return. I was scornful of classmates who stayed or transferred into our local university. I thought there was so much world to see and they were missing out. I loved my university years. My school gave me so much. It taught me to embrace and experience the world. I traveled to several countries in those years doing a variety of different work. It taught me how to live with integrity. It taught me to be mindful and critical of myself and my surroundings. It taught me to make the world a better place and made me a better person. My university was able to accomplish this because it was small, rooted in community and put an emphasis on relationships.
In university I was obsessed with getting awesome grades and being involved. I had very little free time and was constantly on the move. I loved how filled my days were. If my planner had gaps I would find something to fill the time with. I filled my time with school work and "good deeds." I put in countless hours volunteering on the national committee of an organization working to end genocide around the world through political advocacy. I filled my time with emails, strategic planning and conference calls. I was happy and fulfilled. I was making a difference.
Then I moved to Guatemala. I went hoping to learn about structures, hoping to learn how to create a better world. I wanted to change the world in big and concrete ways. I still want to change the world in big and concrete ways but my ideas of how to do that drastically changed in Guatemala. I have been back from Guatemala for almost three years now and I still reflect on my time there and find new lessons. That single year continues to teach me to be a better person. That is because Guatemala taught me how to live.
I learned about pace of life. I learned the importance of slowing down. You see, when I was moving at full speed I missed connections. I made mistakes. I forgot to love. The pace of life in Guatemala is slow. Really slow. I lived with a Guatemalan family and we were always late. To everything all the time. I don't mean 10 minutes late. We would be hours late to work, meetings, parties, etc. Sometimes we were late due to public transportation. Usually it is because we were caught up chatting. We were caught up making human connections. But I did not realize this at first. At first I struggled a lot with the culture. I would get upset when we were late to meetings because we were wasting people's time. I would get frustrated with my family and friend's reactions to life. Life is hard in Guatemala. There is a lot of injustice that would make me so angry, to which the Guatemalan's would respond with, "pobrecito" (poor thing) or "que feo" (how ugly). I was angry that Guatemalans had become desensitized to the hardships of others because it was such a reality of life.
There is a lot to be critical of in Guatemalan society, but that is not the particular point I am trying to make today. What I realized is that Guatemalans are not desensitized to the pain of others. They feel it more acutely than I ever did. What they did was make human connections. I would get irritated over being late but failed to see it was because we were creating community. My Guatemalan friends would sit down, ask someone how they were, and be present in the answer. Strangers would actually tell us about their life. Both the joys and the hardships, which we would absorb that, and make apart of us. The workshops we gave women on self-esteem, rights, or STDs were mildly helpful but the reason the women came, what filled their souls was the companionship. It was the long conversations about everything and nothing. It was about being present.
Living is not about what you accomplish. It is about being present in the moment. It is about making connections and and loving your neighbor. It is about being present in every moment, and cherishing it for what it is. Sometimes those moments are joyous, and other times painful. It was this realization that caused me to move back to the Eastern Shore. The one place I never thought I would end up.
I have struggled a lot with this decision. Sometimes I think I am not being challenged. I am taking the safe route. Sometimes I feel embarrassed when I tell people I am living here again and working with my dad. Embarrassed because I think people expected more from me. People expected me to go out in the world and work for some incredible NGO that is doing wonderful things. I expected this from myself. I expected to live a life where my schedule is full every day with emails, strategical panning and conference calls. I thought that was what would make me happy and fulfilled.
What makes me happy and fulfilled is living with integrity and loving my neighbor and I found, at this point in my life, I can do that best here. When my days were full I forgot to make connections. I hid behind my to-do list and when I asked how someone was and they answered with "fine" I never asked follow-up questions. I told myself I did not have time to listen, but really I was hiding from their pain and their joy. I work in a small office where I deeply love my co-workers. We talk about our lives, the pain and the joy. We listen to each other and share in each others feelings. I still struggle with creating new relationships, they scare me which is why I used to hide. But I know I am in the right place. My life is slow. I still have adventures, my job gives me time to travel and explore. I still believe in creating big, concrete changes. But I also believe those changes can start small. It can start with honest relationships.
In university I participated in civil disobedience and was arrested. Right after this happened I struggled with what that experience meant and a professor I admire very much told me she was proud of me. She told me that our lives are about our own actions. We cannot control what other people do, we can't control what they do with our actions, but we can control our own actions. I doubt I will win the Nobel Peace Prize but what I do strive for every day is starting my day with love.
