One of my goals for this year has been to get over my phobia of praying. Praying is not speaking in tongues, who can pray the longest or sound the most sincere. Prayer is not really even about what is being said. It is about setting aside the time just to be with God. Prayer allows us to further understand God inside of each of us, and when we can see God inside ourselves it is easier to see God around us, in the good and the bad. If we don´t recognize where God is in our hearts, we are unable to find God in our everyday lives. I am finding that prayer allows me to give up my own preoccupations.
It is easy for me to feel sorry for myself sometimes and obsess about unimportant things. Poor me, I think, I don´t have this luxury or that luxury. Poor me, this part of my life is so difficult. Now don´t get me wrong, some things in my life are very difficult. Often we don´t have water in our apartment. The water se fue, it went, as people like to tell me. Where? Saber. Who knows. People only like to shop on market days when the food is cheaper. So, if Elvia and I did not wake up at 5 am to go to the Thursday morning market, we don´t have much food for a week. No, I don´t go hungry, but I don´t have many food options. So yes, aspects of my life are harder here then they ever were in the United States, but when I pray I can recognize that I worry about trivial things. No, I do not have to bathe every day, I don´t even have to bathe every other day. I eat the food that is there, I don´t need more.
I also think prayer is difficult for me because I hate giving up control. I have always been a highly independent person and do not like to rely on others for anything. When we pray we are giving our pains, joys, and frustrations to the Lord. We are giving up control and allowing the Lord to lead us. I hate being led, but sometimes we have to allow ourselves to be led to the place we do not want to go. We are forced to recognize our weaknesses and stop trying to control everything in our lives.
I am learning to pray from Guatemalans. When we go into
communities the opening and closing prayer is often the most important part of the workshop. My experiences of group prayer has always been polite, when one person is praying you listen. Well here when one person starts to pray, everyone starts to pray, out loud. Some are praying in Spanish, some in Mam, and then there is me, praying in English. People pray with sincerity, they are truly taking all their concerns to the Lord in prayer. Most people pray for things I have never worried about in my life. They pray for food for tomorrow. They pray that their children can stay in school. They pray for a good harvest. They pray for life. People here pray to God in the midst of constant suffering, and yet they have so much joy in their faith. They choose to continue loving the Lord.
Henry Nouwen, who I have cited before (and one of my new favorite religious thinkers) writes a lot about prayer and has helped me in thinking about prayer in new ways. He says that prayer is the way to understanding the heart of God - a heart of justice peace, and righteousness - and the heart of the world. In Guatemala it is easy for me to see the connection between suffering and faith. There is so much suffering and terror in our world, and while prayer is by no means the only option, we have to work in other concrete ways too. But, like Nouwen says, when we pray we allow our heart to become the place where the tears of God and the tears of God´s children become tears of hope, because we are connected through Jesus Christ. He says, “In its pure form, prayer is the divine breath of those whom the world tries to suffocate with terror. Prayer is the martyrdom of those who live.” (Love in a Fearful Land: A Guatemalan Story). Prayer gives us the hope we need to continue the fight for justice, for the reign of God here on earth.
