My friend Leron died. I wrote about my initial reactions in this blog post last week. I wrote about how I needed to embrace the sorrow and suffering I felt. I wrote about it. I knew I needed to do it but was unable.
I was in the car with my sister when I heard he died. I went into shock. I wanted it to be untrue but I knew it was. I barely shed a few tears. The next day I flew out to Arizona to help a friend drive across the country. We talked a little bit about Leron but I felt numb. As soon as we arrived in Maryland there was a beautiful memorial for Leron. I wanted to be there but I was nervous. You see, I'm usually uncomfortable in large groups. In the past Leron was always the person I looked forward to seeing in those types of situations. When I saw Leron I felt lighter; he did that to everyone. I went to his memorial and he was not there. I mingled. I struggled to talk about Leron. I had not processed his death and I had not processed his life. The words I had felt shallow and overused. Leron deserved more than my superficial words. I cried for about 2 minutes on the ride home and wrote my first blog. My words were true but I had yet to really connect and feel those words.
I went through the rest of the week in a haze. It was a long week. I was a grump at work. I went home and sat on the couch. I barely went to the gym, studied or played with my dog. I talked to people but I was numb. Every time I had to do something, anything really, I just did not have the energy to care. It was so strange that I did not care. I am an introvert and I keep my feelings inside but I feel things deeply. I knew things were supposed to be happy, funny, sad, etc but I only felt those emotions on the surface. I wanted to mourn but I was stuck. And terrified.
Leron's funeral was yesterday. As I walked up to look at his body I saw his profile in the coffin. It did not look like Leron. I could not bring myself to look at the body. I went and sat down and was afraid I would go through the entire funeral without crying. But as soon as the music started I lost it. I started sobbing. It was cathartic. It was needed. I cried through most of the service.
After the service we went to a local bar and I saw people I had not seen in years. In high school my sister and I used to have people at our house most weekends. We decided to have everyone over to our parents house to reminisce. It was joyous and sad and perfect. We told stories about Leron and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. We talked about the kindness of his soul. Leron had life figured out. He loved people. He never judged. He did not care who you were, what you had done or what you were going to do. He did not have acquaintances; he only had friends. Not many people have that gift. When we were seniors in high school Leron was interviewed. He was asked how he thought our graduating class would be remembered and he said he thought we would be remembered as, "a squad of unity." I never thought about our class that way but that was how Leron saw the world. There was no difference or barrier that stood in his way when it came to relationships.
One person commented that Leron was the glue that held us all together. A lot of people do not live in the area any more and said coming home will forever be different. They talked about how they have mourned Leron. They were open about the pain they have suffered and helped me mourn. I laughed last night and I cried. Yesterday I finally embraced the pain and sorrow I was feeling and I hope it will make me a better person. I made real and true human connections last night. I suffered with people in a way I have never experienced. My heart hurts in a way I have never felt before. I want to live my life more like Leron. I want to make connections everywhere I go. I want to accept people as they are. I also want to cultivate the relationships I have. I want to tell people that I love them and I want them to believe it. I want to love more people.
I also want to thank everyone that helped me yesterday. I'm finally moving forward. I am becoming more compassionate and humble. I am really working on the vulnerable thing but it is going to take some time. Maybe I am little wiser than I was two days ago. I'm not sure I would have been able to embrace my feelings without you. Even though Leron is gone I think he will always be the glue because we will never stop loving and learning from him. Leron, I loved you so much and I will miss you more than I ever realized.
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